Act Two, Part B 

 

 

ROAN: You don’t have to kill yourself in order to die. Just let the past die that’s holding you from getting on with life.

CAT: But what if that part of you is all of you?

ROAN: Then it’s time to get out of your own way. I used to hang onto all sorts of things for no real reason; just because I was afraid what would happen if I let go. I didn’t know what I was afraid of, but I kept hanging on. Finally I just let go; it was too much to hang onto. And all the things I hung onto, if they were crucial enough, stayed with me. If they weren’t they were gone for good.

PIN: It isn’t like really dying, Cat. Do you remember what that’s like? The day before I tried it I just kept thinking of it as a home I’d never been to, but was always waiting for me. I just thought "I’m going home. Finally, I’m going home." I just walked past everyone I saw. Didn’t care. Didn’t care at all. But I’d see, you know, a favorite plant or a cat or a certain house or something and it was these things I knew I’d miss.

MARIA: Wasn’t like that for me. The first time it was just like seeing blank, like not seeing anything at all. I’d stare at something for so long just to make it disappear. Like it hadn’t ever been there. It was a really nauseous feeling for me.

NINA: Do you remember starting a list of things you wanted to do? Like on the last day? I had this whole list of places I wanted to go, so I just walked and walked. I stopped to say goodbye to a few people, but then I just walked and walked tying up little loose ends in my mind. Then, just as I knew everything was complete….

ROAN: You notice how the French classify life as a feminine noun?

MARIA: Yeah, strange isn’t it? God knows why, I mean, all we like to do is kill ourselves.

(Eight beats)

SAVANNAH: Cat, what about….

CAT: What about her?

SAVANNAH: Are you still going to…?

CAT: It’s my child.

ROAN: We know, Cat, but it isn’t all yours.

CAT: Yes it is. He could—He could do whatever he needed to do with me, but this is mine. He may have had my body, but I’ve still got my child. If that’s the only way he can deal with me, then I think that’s a pretty fair exchange.

SAVANNAH: That isn’t the point, Cat.

CAT: Yes it is. This is something he could never have gotten his hands on. This is me and he could never take that away.

PIN: He already has, Cat. He is your child.

CAT: No, he’s not. My child will never know anything about him! She’ll never have anything to do with his memory.

ROAN: But you think you’re spiting him, Cat, and you’re not. Do you think he would have cared that you’ve got his child?

CAT: It’s not his child.

ROAN: Do you think he would have cared that you’ve got his child? The fact that he caused this is proof enough for him, wherever he is. You keep it and you keep him at the same time.

CAT: I keep her and I keep myself.

NINA: Is that what you think? Is that what you really think? Are you two the same person? Are you two inseparable?

CAT: I’m not getting rid of her. This is my child. This is my first child.

SAVANNAH: I didn’t want to get rid of mine either, Cat. But, there are more important things than having a satisfied mind. Go ahead and have it, but if the only reason you’re having it is to restore some sense of identity…. If the only reason you’re having it is to be one up on him, on a dead man, then you’ll be killing it out of your own pride. Don’t DO that to it, Cat. That would be more cruel than not having it.

CAT: But it’s ME. It’s a part of ME.

SAVANNAH: I know, Cat. But, if you have it, it will be more a part of him than you’ll ever realize.

CAT: But, Sandra called and she said—

SAVANNAH: ENOUGH of Sandra. Sandra isn’t here, and all Sandra knows is gone. Don’t you think that if she WERE here, she’d be here? I cannot take seriously someone who must constantly be on the phone offering little pearls of wisdom. Little pearls of wisdom are all very well and good, but something is happening that she is completely unaware of. If she were here, she’d realize that. But she chooses to just sit back and look at everything through her books. And nothing’s on the books that wasn’t already alive to begin with. Sometimes you can sit down when you’re dealing with something like this, but sometimes you’ve got to lean forward into the darkness and stare it down.

CAT: And what if the darkness stares back?

(No answer. Eight beats)

CAT: …the end of another world…

ROAN: …the beginning of another.

CAT: …the end of the world.

ROAN: ….

CAT: But, its too simple…just to say no.

ROAN: Is it easier to say yes?

CAT: But this is another person, another human being.

ROAN: And what are you?

CAT: I am here so that others may pass through me.

ROAN: No matter who that person is?

CAT: But I’m choosing whom I want to live.

ROAN: And who chose you? Mike? Your mother?

CAT: But what if it hadn’t been Mike?

ROAN: But it was, Cat.

CAT: But, what if it hadn’t?

ROAN: You probably wouldn’t have waited so long to change your mind.

CAT: But it was my choice.

ROAN: And what about his choice? What about OUR choices, Cat? The only thing that separates us now, Cat, is that it was your choice to do this. We never had that choice. You chose to choose, and that’s more freedom than any one of us have ever had. We had to deal with what we were given, but you chose to help, however you saw it as helping. And that help ended up being stolen. That’s the price you pay.

CAT: But…

ROAN: You can either take your life in your own hands, or you can take your life and give it to your child. But, either way, someone has to pay for it. And you will always be here, but your child may not.

CAT: Then why do I keep feeling like a ghost? Why do I feel like all I’m doing is tramping though all of you trying to see who fits?

SAVANNAH: Because nothing separates us, Cat. Nothing separates any of us, really. We’ve all been through this before. Just keep a close watch on who you orbit and who orbits you. That’ll tell you more than anything I could ever say.

CAT: But what if you don’t orbit anyone?

SAVANNAH: Oh, we’re always surrounded by something, by someone. And we always surround others. Otherwise no one would know what is real and what isn’t.

CAT: IS any of this real?

SAVANNAH: Of course not, hon, if it were we’d all take it much too seriously. And life is much too important to take seriously.

CAT: Then why is this so hard?

SAVANNAH: Because you don’t see the effortlessness of life yet. You only see the effort. You only hear the silence, you don’t hear the music that weaves it together. If you wish to have life pass through you, so be it. If not, that is all right, too. Do not concern yourself with laws that men pass down. Men are simply jealous because we can so easily decide their fate. That’s a lot of power as far as they are concerned. If they had that power, they would feel obliged to it. But because we have that power, they feel powerless. And men don’t like to feel powerless.

CAT: But who should protect what hasn’t been born?

SAVANNAH: Probably the same thing that’s always protected it. Mother Nature, Mother Courage, Mother Goose, Mother of Plenty, Mother of None. Try not to place too much emphasis on life, Cat, then you won’t appreciate death as much. And if there weren’t death, then life really wouldn’t be worth living, now, would it?

CAT: But if a life has been taken before it’s been born…

SAVANNAH: Say that again.

CAT: If a life has been taken before it’s been…(snickers)…No matter how you slice it…

SAVANNAH: Exactly. Funny old world, isn’t it?

CAT: Yeah.

ROAN: A lot of people actually have the gall to believe that life STARTS somewhere. Magically. I mean, I’ve heard of spontaneous combustion, but, spontaneous reproduction? Isn’t the sperm alive? Isn’t the egg alive? If they can let God be omnipotent, why can’t they return the compliment to life? Kind of silly if you think about it.

CAT: They wanted—my family wanted—to pull the plug on my mother just because she stopped breathing. As if that’s the only attribute that makes her a worthwhile human being. I wonder what their checklist would look like for "worthwhile human beings." Breathing…

NINA: Blood pumping.

PIN: Emotions burning.

MARIA: Sense of awe.

ROAN: Sense of humility.

SAVANNAH: Sense of smell.

CAT: Sense of taste.

NINA: Sense of trash.

PIN: Sense of humor.

MARIA: Sense of irony.

ROAN: Sense of money.

SAVANNAH: Sense of cheese.

ROAN: Oh, I think that is heaven right now.

CAT: What?

ROAN: A small piece of the smoothest gouda there is. Or Provolone. Or Edam.

CAT: Well, far be it from me to guard those gates. Go see if eternity waits in the fridge.

Widowspeak, Act Two, Part C