Dear J. Dove, 12:56

God, I had to wait tables today b/c one of the girls at work couldn’t make it. "Never again," I told our boss. Tarbending is fine, but--There was this guy I was serving, see, who kept going back + forth: Vodka + grapefruit, vodka + orange, vodka + coke: Yeck!! I happened to drop his bill on the floor + bent down to pick it up just as this guy says to me "Is that bulge gonna fall out of there?"

"No," I glared, accidentally knocking his drink in his lap, "is yours?"

That goddamn catwalk. No, the runway: That’s the word, where we all cruise the tables making sure everyone’s happy. Eye contact with a cause. Coquetry with attitude.

Are these the guys you tried to steer me away from? This ever-changing herd of hormones, the cattle of the human stampede? I mean, I’ve learned not to bend down near someone’s ear to hear their order if it’s too loud, ‘cuz that means I get an ear full of sloppy tongue. And they want us to wear uniforms? Postage stamps, more like it. No, actually they’re stakes with no tent inside. Tent’s up, nobody’s home.

Speaking of which, yesterday Rory + I went kayaking with two outdoorsy types of guys. The first guy went to Evergreen College studying environmental education. He is very SERIOUS about nature + interpersonal relations. He could be heard saying more than once throughout the evening that human beings need to stop "breeding like rats." Overpopulation was his big base problem from which every other problem IN THE WORLD sprang. His feeling very responsible for all of this -- throwing out sterilization plans for anyone with an IQ below 130 -- freaked me, tweaked me.

So, I informed him, very SERIOUSLY, that demographic studies have shown that the higher the status of women in society (+ education) the lower the birthrate, for when it comes right down to it, it’s the women who make the final decision on reproduction. This didn’t make him angry, just took the wind out of his sails a bit. He made some comment about women becoming like men + then who would care for the world? I said men should become like women + save the world like heroes do. The subject was dropped soon after that.

The second guy looked like a Mickey’s Big Mouth with arms, legs + a head. Of the pair, he was the airhead/macho into conquering a mountain b/c it was there. He proved to be more than amusing + enjoyable, trying to get me into his tent that was set up in the middle of the living room.

After dinner, hot fudge, bananas, whipped cream + peanuts, Guy #2 was eating frozen yogurt on account of he was in training for a glacier climb he was planning for the following weekend, + since I was being indiscreetly gluttonous, he decided to have something to say about it. So, as I sat down on a lawn chair, their idea of living room furniture, guy #2 proceeds to smack me on the ass through the bottom of the chair, an act implying an intimacy that he + I had never or never would establish. The whole scene was so ludicrous + immediately after I looked at Rory + she at me, surprised, which mutated quickly into a laughing fit, leaving my stomach sore + my head pleasantly light.

I must admit that later that evening I did end up out on the lawn in the moonlight + stars with a view of the Delta making out with the walking Mickey’s bottle man.

Oh, J. Dove, I feel like a kid again. My cynicism is in remission leaving me with hope for the world + feeling in every nerve of my body that I can do anything. In fact, I’m beginning to feel like a painter, or at least an Artist of some type. I’m taking pictures on this trip so perhaps soon you will get some photos of my exploits + Rory cause you know her + she’s in the pictures.

I’m thinking about traveling + I’ve been entertaining visions of Thailand + the Philippines - Roxy said she might be interested. But first, Rory + I head to Mexico by way of New Orleans. Oh, yeah -- it’s like indicative of a generation.

Well, Mr. Prose for the Jung at heart, kiss the kids for me, tell them that their mother is off uncovering the beauty of humanity so that they may learn to love themselves + their world.

I think of you all, my heart sighs somewhere between tears + joy, you are with me every waking moment. I’d send you a Delta sunset, but I fear the postage would be a bit more than I could afford at the present time.

Love + Joy

-Sheba

 

J. Dove, what’s line from Barfly about the line from Tolstoy about women’s company + necessary evil...Well, after spending 6 hours with three outdoorsy types breaking down a catamaran. Oh, indeed, the company of men when they are engross in a task as important as this...I basically sat around waiting for instruction that rarely came due to the faith these men had in my task-oriented abilities, + made lunch that included me running to the store. Do you remember the Kayak boys -- well, it was them plus one. And the Mickey’s bottle...yep, I’m kind of sweet on him. But, I can hang around men with me as the token female for only so long. For Christ’s sake, they sit around for fucking ever talking about what they’re going to do. So, I’m listening to Pantomime thinking of you + how long it’s been since I’ve written to you.

Did I tell you of my word processing stint at the department of Social + Health Services? It was a living hell for a short month -- short being that it was less than --------

Okay, fuck the small talk, let’s get down to basics...I think there are reasons why at all the Ash parties the men are in one room + the women are in the other...I think in a very fundamental way men + women will never be able to understand each other. Had an interesting talk with Rem (another writer type that I once had a thing for) about just this subject + I found myself in tears. For I was discussing this topic of difference + the more we talked the farther apart we got + the more this dynamic was proving my point. So, for 5 or 10 minutes I was very sour, was ready to cry + couldn’t talk to him. And so I had a good talk with Roxy about this in the Jacuzzi at the YMCA + she decided to give up on men. Then, later that evening we went to the Dubliner + she + Ivan ended up exchanging phone numbers (oh, well, the best laid plans....).

And so here I am trying to find my own vibes within the busy-ness of this business household. Sammy (the Mickey’s bottle) is running around packing, doing laundry, cooking. Mark the intellectual + the plus one Dave are making plans after spending all last night discussing the same PLANS. Worst of all, none of them are really listening to Bob Dylan. I could scream, but let’s meander back to the point from which I digressed: The difference between men + women, or rather more importantly, Ash parties with men in one room + women in the other.

Perhaps -- indeed, your lover is not to be everything for + to you. Yet, most important, your lover must feel the same way about you. Come home to some lovin’ after a day at the university, come home to someone who doesn’t want from me: Just wants s me. Come home to someone who can hear my thoughts + let them fall softly, quilting them for my own sanity -- giving them full weight, mind you -- but no advice -- just to hear + believe in me regardless of my decision. And then fuck me silly. Just in time: I was beginning to get much too serious. Everything in life is ultimately very funny: Always remember that!!! Oh, + here’s a dandy little quote from Roxy - Not only do you have to find a guy who is compatible, you have to find one that fits. Yeah, yeah -- what else to say.

Oh, of course I won’t be in Seattle for Christmas - I’ll be here. But this boy Sammy -- he really is beautiful. He cooks, he nurtures, + when he leaves/I leave I’ll think about him long after he’s gone. It’s strange I’ve had these two last love affairs that were so short + I was so in love. And then I try my best not to cry when it hurts -- when the memory is too vivid.

Blah, blah, blah.

Well, I’m back home. Decided Sammy ain’t the boy for me...but, his friend Dave is getting cuter by the minute. As they say: "There is no remedy for love but to love more."

Love + Kisses

Shiva